The night before I left for my cruise, while I was waiting for my friend to call me to tell me yes or no if she was going on the cruise with me, I cleaned the fish tank. By the way, the call never came. All I have is a text message saying I will call you when I leave work, but no phone call. I stayed up half the night worrying. So I had to do something to keep from worrying, and I had been procrastinating for over a week about cleaning the tank. The algae had grown so much in the tank it was starting to bloom, and I could barely see the fish swimming in the tank. I don?t even know why I own a fish tank. Oh, yeah, I remember, because I have a daughter who wanted fish as pets. I wouldn?t own pets if it weren?t for my children. The children enjoy the pets, but all I enjoy about the pets is the cleaning. I?m being sarcastic, because I don?t like cleaning the fish tank any more than I like cleaning up a hairball left by one of the cats. To remove the algae, I had to remove everything from inside the tank, the fish, the decorations, the rocks, the filter, the water, everything. And I had to clean everything. It took about an hour and a half to drain, clean, and reassemble the fish tank. Now the tank looks beautiful, and nine of my fish died from the shock. One fish committed suicide by jumping out of the temporary bowl into the sink. There are only two survivors.
When my mother checked on my pets for me, she scooped out the dead fish. And in the hopes that my children won?t be too upset, she bought new fish for the tank. I know when my children arrive home from vacation with their father there will be a fleeting moment of mourning for the deceased fish before the naming ceremony of the new fish. After losing a brother and two uncles, my children are realistic about the lifespan of pets. It?s not that they don?t love their pets; it?s just that they have perspective. Putting the daily happening of life into perspective is part of staying happy. You can be sad for a moment, and when grieving, for many moments, days, weeks, months, and years. But at some point, the grieving must end, and the living must begin. I have learned to live again. I?ve learned to put grief into perspective. I?ve learned to find joy in unexpected places. This is what peace is. Peace is this incredible sense of calm and belief that you will be okay when something bad happens in your life. In the past seven months, I?ll admit, I have struggled with losing the peace in my heart. After that initial panic attack which nearly scared me to death, I made a conscious decision to put all negative influences out of my life. That meant I had to stop trying to be friends with the Doctor, because until I could put our relationship truly in our past I couldn?t heal and move forward. That meant I had to stop feeling like I had to respond to every email my XH sent me; I had to stop arguing with him; I had to stop letting him push my buttons. I was open to trying again at love, but as soon as I realized that?a relationship was negative for me, I had to be willing to stop that relationship too. So I know it seems like I've had a lot of relationships since my divorce, but when you're in this position of being single at 42 and not wanting to be single at 42, you just have to keep trying. Part of trying to find a relationship that works is failing at the relationships that are wrong for you.
And now I?m facing a similar decision over a friendship. If a friendship causes you stress and eats away at your peace of mind, do you have an obligation to continue the friendship? When is enough, enough? I grieve over every person who has come and gone in my life. I have a sensitive heart. And I never want a relationship to end, because I don?t like feeling like I let someone else down. I don?t like saying good bye. And I feel incredibly guilty that if I just would turn the other cheek one more time, forgive one more time, that maybe, just maybe, the person wouldn?t hurt me again. But I know what kind of life I want to live. I know what type of people I want in my life. And I want to live a happy, positive, self-fulfilling, life where the people I choose to include in my life reciprocate the loving kindness I show to them. I need friends who will do for me in the same way I do for them. So maybe, just like I cleaned the fish tank when it became too polluted to provide a healthy environment, I need to clean out my list of friends when they become unhealthy for me. But this is so hard to do. But maybe in order to be truly happy, this is something I need to do. I can tell you this; more prayer is needed, because I?m just not confident about this decision. What would you do? Say good bye to a decade long friendship? Or forgive one more time?
Source: http://youtoocanmowthegrass.blogspot.com/2012/07/i-cleaned-fish-tank.html
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